Daddy, I want You!

Seeing Chloe and her dad reminds me of hubunganku dengan my dad.

my mum used to tell me that when i was a little girl, i was close to my dad. everyday, after my parents got home from work, i always wanted to play with my dad at his workstation, dan karena my dad had a bengkel at home, there was once i nearly swallow a screwdriver. (well, i was 1 year old, you see). whenever we went out for dinner, i always wanted him to carry me, to piggyback me on his shoulder. even when they bought their first car, i would sat on the front seat, next to my dad.

well, as i grow up, ga tau juga kenapa, jadi ga deket lagi with my dad. malah kadang susah juga ngobrol dan kadang kalo dah ga ada omongan lagi jadi feel awkward.

anyway, back to Chloe and her dad.
kemaren ini after the long Hari Raya holiday, Chloe's parents went back to Batam.
Little Chloe was so downcast shortly after she knew that her dad has gone back to work. However, she was much comforted by the company of neighbour's kids and her countless toys. until in the evening, after the kids went to their respective homes and she took her bath, she started asking about her daddy again. The maid immediately call her dad's mobile and told him that Chloe wanted to speak to him.

the moment she got on the phone, she burst out to tears and started wailing,"Daddy... where are you....? I want you...I want you...."

her cries melt my heart. i feel for her. i could clearly see how she desperately wanted to be with her daddy. after the phone call she was so quiet. does not want to play does not want to sleep. she told me once again, " I want my daddy".


.....



today, i saw her came in to a restaurant for lunch with her daddy by her side.
she looked so happy and contented. seperti nya bangga banget jalan disamping daddy nya.
during the whole lunch buffet, selalu making sure that her daddy is around. when he is not by her side, she will start calling, "Daddy, daddy, daddy..."

well, she is indeed her daddy's little girl.

tapi aku jadi inget, waktu dulu baru jadi baby christian. aku selalu mau ada di hadirat Bapaku. Selalu mau Dia ada di hidupku. selalu ingin to hear His voice. everyday, I will seek His face, want to know His will in my life, etc... tapi dengan seiring nya waktu... hubunganku dengan sang Bapa diatas lama lama juga menyerupai hubunganku dengan my earthly dad. makin jauh, malah terkadang, jarang sekali ngobrol berdua.

i miss Him. i really do.

i think it is time for me to start crying out to Him again "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy... I Want You!"

i think it is time to run to Him again like a little girl who is desperate for His embrace and presence.

Signing Off
Swanie:)

given up

i have come to a point of realisation today.
a point of 'frustration'.

please no more. no more. its enough. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. and i dont even realised it.

today i know that i have long given up on my life.
hated everything that is in it.
my looks
my personality
my career
my family
my life

i still remember when i was young, how i am always the encourager to my friends, the positive minded person who believes that with God we can achieve anything.
but...
i have grown up. somehow life has taught me that i cannot do everything the way i wanted them to be. i have grown into this unpleasant, unloving, unforgiving human being that has given up on herself.

i stopped believing in miracles. i stop reading the bible. i stopped praying. i stopped hoping. i stopped. i stopped. yes. i quitted my life looooong ago. no doubt, i am still breathing, but now, i am just going through life trying to survive each day.

dreams and hope are shattered. nothing matters anymore.

God...where are you?
are You still in my life?

i am not sure if i could dream anymore. could i hope for anything anymore? could i be alive again?

God, if you are really really there... please, help me. help. help.