given up

i have come to a point of realisation today.
a point of 'frustration'.

please no more. no more. its enough. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. and i dont even realised it.

today i know that i have long given up on my life.
hated everything that is in it.
my looks
my personality
my career
my family
my life

i still remember when i was young, how i am always the encourager to my friends, the positive minded person who believes that with God we can achieve anything.
but...
i have grown up. somehow life has taught me that i cannot do everything the way i wanted them to be. i have grown into this unpleasant, unloving, unforgiving human being that has given up on herself.

i stopped believing in miracles. i stop reading the bible. i stopped praying. i stopped hoping. i stopped. i stopped. yes. i quitted my life looooong ago. no doubt, i am still breathing, but now, i am just going through life trying to survive each day.

dreams and hope are shattered. nothing matters anymore.

God...where are you?
are You still in my life?

i am not sure if i could dream anymore. could i hope for anything anymore? could i be alive again?

God, if you are really really there... please, help me. help. help.