dari hati

Ishakus Borokitus

2009-09-28T00:38:00.001+08:00

The name of Ishak's lump on his lower abdomen :) He was unsure of what it was and was to shy to consult a doctor, thats why he named it after himself.

HAHA! :)

My God's identity

2009-04-12T13:03:00.005+08:00

I need to remember and hold on to the fact that God loves me so much. I need to know that God did not send me sickness or poverty to teach me anything. I need to remember that God loves me so much and that His will for me is for me to be HEALTHY, to be WHOLE, to be WEALTHY and STRONG!

It is the will of God for me to walk in WHOLENESS!!!!

He is my Healer, my Provider, my Counselor, my Comforter, my Teacher, my Source of Wisdom and everything.

God has equipped me and He will protect me (and my family) to fight this battle of FAITH in the place of my purpose! And I am gonna win this battle!

Precious

2009-04-05T01:03:00.002+08:00

This pic is so cute isn't it? I miss Chloe :)

you and me (I Miss You)

2009-04-01T23:46:00.002+08:00

You were always around during my growing up years. You would seat beside me when I was studying, you kept me company when I was watching TV. You would pat me with your paws to remind me to share food with you when I am eating. You would hide with me in my room and kept me company when Mom and Dad were fighting outside. You would put your head on my lap asking me to stroke you. You let me bathe you even though I know you hated it.

Even when I left for my studies 11 years ago, you still remember me. you would still welcome me with your kisses whenever I came home for Holiday. When my boyfriend first came to meet Mom and Dad, you made him felt so welcomed by letting him stroke you instead of barking at him.

Now that you are gone...I am left with all the good memories. of you and me.
We buried you at your favourite place at the garden, below your papaya tree.
May you rest in peace.

See you in Heaven!

We love you, Hokkie:)

Thank You

2009-03-29T00:07:00.004+08:00

Hari ini ada CCC Band yang lead Praise and Worship. Kita nyanyi lagu yang lama banget ga di nyanyiin... Inget ga lagu, "Thank You" aka "Hallelluyah's Song"?

I loved the bridge soo soo much.

"You mean everything to me
You're all this world will never be
Your name reigns in my heart
You're all that I depend on"

There was one Sunday morning during my 'backslide' days in 2005, even though I have not been praying and going to church for months, I can't get this song, especially the bridge, out of my mind. and I actually visualised my heart with Jesus' name in it. I made this 4 years ago...

The worship moment today was special, It was as if God is reminding me again that He reigns in my life. :)

Banyak Pikiran!

2009-03-27T15:53:00.000+08:00

Swanie sedang banyak pikiran! Busyeeet deeeh… hahaha.

Begini nih pikiran itu:
Sekarang kan teman2 generasi seumuranku banyak yang sudah mulai dewasa. Ada yang sedang meniti karir, ada yang nerusin bisnis keluarga, ada yang jadi istri orang kaya, ada yang keliling dunia, ada yang punya usaha sendiri, ada juga yang hidup bebas, mau kerja boleh, ga kerja juga ga masalah.

Namun, tidak semua bekerja karena mereka memerlukan uang ato memang harus bekerja. Banyak yang masi bias hidup enak dan nyaman tanpa bekerja tao bersusah payah!

Dan at the same time, swanie juga mulai menyadari bahwa perbedaan status kita semakin kelihatan, makin obvious. Mana yang dari keluarga berada, mana yang dari keluarga biasa biasa saja. Mana yang dari keluarga yang kurang begitu beruntung.

Well, as for me, obviously aku bukan di perinkat anak yg datang dari keluarga yang kaya raya. Aku harus bekerja untuk hidupku. Kalo Swanie ga kerja, ga bisa tinggal di Singapore laaah! Hahaha.

Nah, di situ pikiran menggerutu swanie mulai keluar. Mulai banyak2 pertanyaan bermunculan.

1. Mengapa orang tua ku bukan orang kaya raya?
2. Mengapa mereka tidak bisa mengasilkan uang sebanyak orang tua nya si ini atau si itu?
3. Mengapa orang tua ku tak sepintar orang tuanya kawan2ku
4. mengapa orang tua ku tidak membelikan aku rumah seperti kebanyak teman2ku, padahal 2 anak2 nya sudah tinggal menetap disini?
5. Mengapa aku tidak bias hidup nyaman seperti kebanyakan teman2 ku?
Dan seterus nya…dan seterusnya….

Dan karena pikiran2 itu, swanie cenderung jadi sangat minder! bukannya aku anti social, tapi aku merasa sangat out of place. Merasa tidak layak, tidak pantas! Well, bukan salah siapa2 memang mungkin mereka memang tidak cocok dengan ku. Tidak sepenanggungan.

Kadang swanie juga suka mikir. Ko aku jahat banget ya? Tapi saat2 ini memang saat susah sekali untuk BERSYUKUR!

Entah apa yang terjadi dengan diriku ini. Susah rasanya untuk mencintain orang lain and melayani dengan hati hamba seperti dulu lagi. Mengapa ini? Mengapa?

OOOOH, how imperfect I am!

Wah, berat sekali entry hari ini.
Memang sungguh sedang banyak pikiran… hehehe…

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

2009-03-25T10:11:00.000+08:00

Cuman pengen mengingat apa yang Ronaldi bilang padaku semalem.

“Indah itu tergantung bagaimana orang yang melihatnya. Kadang ada yang liat gunung, bilang gunung itu indah, ada juga yang bilang tidak indah. Kadang ada yang liat pohon, kagum sama pohon itu, ada juga yang ga tau apa bagus nya. Kadang kita melihat hidup kita, merasa hidup ini sangat tidak indah. Sangat cacat. Sangat tidak berharga.

Lalu kita mulai berkata, ‘Alangkah baik nya kalo kita punya ini. Alangkah baik nya kalo kita punya itu. Alangkah baik nya kalo kita bisa ini dan itu. Alangkah baiknya kalo hidupku tak ada orang ini, kalo aku kenal dengan orang itu’

Tapi semua tergantung cara kita memandang hidup kita. Melihat apa yang kita punya dan apa yang kita tidak punya. Ada yang bilang hidup sangat nyaman itu sangat indah, ada sebagian orang yang suka dengan bekerja keras.

Bagiku, hidupmu dan dirimu itu indah. Start seeing yourself that way! Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.”

Mungkin bukan pertama kalinya aku mendengar kata kata seperti itu. Namun saat dia mengatakannya semalam, they brought me to tears. There are just the right words to hear when my ‘mengerutu’ mode is on.

Hehehe.

Cotton Candy

2009-03-15T22:53:00.002+08:00

I remember vaguely the first time my parents brought me to watch night circus in my hometown 20 years ago. (haha. felt so oold. yeah its really long long time ago) I saw a man with a round bowl shaped machine that moves in circle with lots of pink cotton inside it. Beside him, there is a table with lots of those pink stuff that resembles clouds in a clear plastic bag. Attracted by its colour, I asked my dad to buy those for me. It turns out that the pink stuff is tastes very sweet, and it melts in my mouth.

a few weeks ago, i saw that round machine again in town. without hesitation, i asked for one. hihihi. made me so happy :):):)

Goodbyes

2009-01-24T01:34:00.004+08:00

I used to be very bad with goodbyes...

Swanie masih inget di bulan2 pertama aku di Singapore, waktu mamiku pulang setelah ngunjungi aku, i will go home and cry in my room...
Masih inget dulu waktu ci Lenny pulang for good, I was so sad and could not bear to part with her...
Masih inget waktu i say goodbye to my secondary school friends, i actually wrote a letter to each one of them to say that i really do treasure every and each moments we spent together...

Being in Foreign country, I realised that I will often encounter yg namanya perpisahan. entah itu sementara atau mungkin selamanya. Tapi dengan seiring nya waktu, aku merasa lebih, 'kebal' dengan yg namanya perpisahan a.k.a farewell.

Aku baru nyadar sewaktu Juan pulang kemaren. Well, ada trace of sadness, but it wasn't much. ga ada tangis, ga ada pedih. I guess because I know she is already a part of me. she will always be in my heart. dan walaupun kita mungkin akan jarang ketemu, we will, one day, meet up again.

Begitu juga dengan Lisa yang Senin depan akan pulang Indo. I know, one day, we will meet again!

Swanie jadi ingat, setiap kali Swanie dan Ro say goodbye, Ro selalu bilang,
" Swanie jangan sedih, Ro ga kemana mana. Ro kan selalu di hati Swanie. Swanie juga akan selalu di hati Ro."

Well, at the beginning, it was very hard for me. tapi lama-lama, ada keyakinan bahwa perpisahan might not be forever. perpisahan tidaklah berarti aku kehilangan orang tersebut. karena jika orang itu benar2 berharga, beliau tak akan pernah terpisah dari bagian hidupmu.

To Lisa dan Juan

Thank you for bringing so much laughter and joy into my life selama kalian di Singapore. Thank you for the friendship and love. We will surely meet again, and till then, please do take care and keep in touch! love you gals!:):):)

Bali in December

2008-12-09T22:39:00.005+08:00

Setelah ampir 10 taun ga pernah ke Bali, last weekend, untuk pertama kali I venture off to Denpasar, Bali by myself to attend July and Michael's wedding. July adalah temen sekelas kita di Chai Chee yg pertama beranjak ke pelaminan diatara kita semua.

Since this trip is quite significant, i decided that i have to jot it down, to remember it and record this 'historical' moment in my life :):):)

Day 1 (06 Dec 08)

Setelah susah payah dan menempuh banyak halangan, akhirnya Swanie mendarat di Bandara Ngurah Rai, Denpasar pada pukul 21.oo WITA. (tidak ada perbedaan waktu antara Bali dan Singapore..hehehe).
Langsung Swanie menuju ke Pat-Mase Villa at Jimbaran yang sudah di book oleh July untuk temen2 nya! (wah, semalem nya swanie dah liat foto2 villa ini di website nya dan i am so impressed!)
http://www.pat-mase.com/

and Lo and Behold! ternyaata website nya tidak bohong! Villa Patmasse is sooo Beautiful! Benar2 'My Home in Bali' seperti tertera di kartu nama nya.

Setelah say 'Hi' to my long-time-no-see schoolmates, I excused myself to my room to freshen up while the rest of them went to Kudeta for a drink. I, on the other hand, was exploring our villa which has the following:
1. Private pool
2. Private Living room
3. Dining area
4. Kitchen

I decided to end my day with pampering myself dengan berendam di air yg di bubuhi Jasmine and Lemon bath salt.... hmm...it was the best bath i have ever had in my life!

Day 2 (07 Dec 08)

Sakramen Pernikahan July dimulai pukul 10.30 WITA.
Swanie, Juanitta, Liwin, Erika, Monaries and the guys berbondong bondong pagi-pagi ke Ritz Carlton Hotel, tempat wedding nya July akan dilaksanakan.

dan... waktu Swanie masuk ke depan hotel nya, I was once again AWE! Hotelnya langsung menghadap pantai! it was sooo beautiful! (asli, swanie dah kaya orang kampung bgt deh! wah disini, wah di sana...) kita langsung menuju ke Astina Chapel dimana Sakramen nya di adakan. Bayangkan, sakit besar nya nih hotel, kita kudu naek BUGGY untuk ke Chapel nya!

Chapel nya begitu cantik dan PINK tentunya...dari pertama liat warna undangan dan kursi2 nya kita tau siapa yg berperan banyak dalam mengatur wedding ini. Dari dulu July memang loves PINK!

Acara Misa dan sakramen nya begitu cantik dan mengharukan. sungguh indah sekali ..
o ya, did i mention that the Chapel is also facing the sea? It was sungguh indah:)
http://www.ritzcarlton.com/en/Properties/Bali/Events/Weddings/Default.htm

Setelah menghadiri sakramen itu, Swanie decided to go shopping!
Beli beli oleh2 seperti Lap Tjong dan Abon Babi di Titiles, beli cakar ayam, dan ga lupa swanie pun mengunjungi JOGER!
had a great fun shopping and exploring Bali on my own.

Dan malem nya, wedding dinner nya ga kalah meriah dan indah nya. di table kita, each of us has our name printed. I love it because it was so personalised.

Akhir nya swanie have to rush back to Singapore.

It was such a short trip, but it was meaningful.

Ahkir kata, Swanie mo bilang, terima kasih ke July, buat undang kita-kita semua, buat booking in kita di Villa Pat-Mase and buat mengadakan kesempaan but kita untuk kumpul bareng-bareng lagi.

July, Congrats ya, selamat menempuh hidup baru dan have a blissful marriage! :)

Daddy, I want You!

2008-11-30T00:09:00.003+08:00

Seeing Chloe and her dad reminds me of hubunganku dengan my dad.

my mum used to tell me that when i was a little girl, i was close to my dad. everyday, after my parents got home from work, i always wanted to play with my dad at his workstation, dan karena my dad had a bengkel at home, there was once i nearly swallow a screwdriver. (well, i was 1 year old, you see). whenever we went out for dinner, i always wanted him to carry me, to piggyback me on his shoulder. even when they bought their first car, i would sat on the front seat, next to my dad.

well, as i grow up, ga tau juga kenapa, jadi ga deket lagi with my dad. malah kadang susah juga ngobrol dan kadang kalo dah ga ada omongan lagi jadi feel awkward.

anyway, back to Chloe and her dad.
kemaren ini after the long Hari Raya holiday, Chloe's parents went back to Batam.
Little Chloe was so downcast shortly after she knew that her dad has gone back to work. However, she was much comforted by the company of neighbour's kids and her countless toys. until in the evening, after the kids went to their respective homes and she took her bath, she started asking about her daddy again. The maid immediately call her dad's mobile and told him that Chloe wanted to speak to him.

the moment she got on the phone, she burst out to tears and started wailing,"Daddy... where are you....? I want you...I want you...."

her cries melt my heart. i feel for her. i could clearly see how she desperately wanted to be with her daddy. after the phone call she was so quiet. does not want to play does not want to sleep. she told me once again, " I want my daddy".

.....

today, i saw her came in to a restaurant for lunch with her daddy by her side.
she looked so happy and contented. seperti nya bangga banget jalan disamping daddy nya.
during the whole lunch buffet, selalu making sure that her daddy is around. when he is not by her side, she will start calling, "Daddy, daddy, daddy..."

well, she is indeed her daddy's little girl.

tapi aku jadi inget, waktu dulu baru jadi baby christian. aku selalu mau ada di hadirat Bapaku. Selalu mau Dia ada di hidupku. selalu ingin to hear His voice. everyday, I will seek His face, want to know His will in my life, etc... tapi dengan seiring nya waktu... hubunganku dengan sang Bapa diatas lama lama juga menyerupai hubunganku dengan my earthly dad. makin jauh, malah terkadang, jarang sekali ngobrol berdua.

i miss Him. i really do.

i think it is time for me to start crying out to Him again "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy... I Want You!"

i think it is time to run to Him again like a little girl who is desperate for His embrace and presence.

Signing Off
Swanie:)

given up

2008-11-29T00:27:00.002+08:00

i have come to a point of realisation today.
a point of 'frustration'.

please no more. no more. its enough. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. and i dont even realised it.

today i know that i have long given up on my life.
hated everything that is in it.
my looks
my personality
my career
my family
my life

i still remember when i was young, how i am always the encourager to my friends, the positive minded person who believes that with God we can achieve anything.
but...
i have grown up. somehow life has taught me that i cannot do everything the way i wanted them to be. i have grown into this unpleasant, unloving, unforgiving human being that has given up on herself.

i stopped believing in miracles. i stop reading the bible. i stopped praying. i stopped hoping. i stopped. i stopped. yes. i quitted my life looooong ago. no doubt, i am still breathing, but now, i am just going through life trying to survive each day.

dreams and hope are shattered. nothing matters anymore.

God...where are you?
are You still in my life?

i am not sure if i could dream anymore. could i hope for anything anymore? could i be alive again?

God, if you are really really there... please, help me. help. help.

650 days

2008-06-11T22:39:00.001+08:00

Singapore, 11 June 08

Today is exactly 650 days since we met. 650 days since he showed up in his plain white t shirt and jeans bringing a stalk of white rose especially for me.

I still vividly remember that day. I was so overjoyed knowing that he (finally) comes to meet me. I can still clearly recall how fast my heart beat when I was on the bus to meet him. I could he still clearly hear his voice over the phone telling me, “I am here, in Singapore.” How anxious I was of the way I look. How I tried so hard to hide my tummy in that black top that wear. How many times I kept turning to the mirror to make sure I look good for him. I still remember me going into a public toilet just to spray some perfume so I would smell nice for him. Never in my life was I that ecstatic, but at the same time vexed.

I was so restless that I went to buy newspaper, so I will not look so anxious before him. So that I have something to distract me from feeling so stressed.

650 days since the day that we took our first walk…just the two of us… It was so fresh in my mind how he tried to walk as close to me as possible and kept looking down at my hands…wanting to hold them...but yet hesitant to do so.

650 days ago, it was the first time I heard someone say, “Aku sayang kamu, Swanie.” I can still felt the wind that brush through my body that night. The joy, confusion, excitement, fear that ran through my mind...” He loves me”... I thought. Yet, I did not know what to say. I did not know what to do. I have waited for so long for this moment to happen, for him to say those words…but… the world stood silence then. It stops for that moment. Our eyes met. I smiled.

Now, 650 days since that moment. He is still that someone. Someone who always stand by me. Someone who always love me. Someone who never gave up on me. He is my best friend, my brother, my lover.

I love you Ro. I know I love you. I was confused then, but now I know. I know I love you with my very breath. I love you with my very soul.

With the past behind us, the future before us… I want to make our love works. I want to be with you.

Lots of kiss and love,

Swanie

My God is a GREAT GOD!

2007-10-31T16:55:00.000+08:00

a snapshot of His Masterpiece:)

I have a colourful and creative GOd!

miss u

2007-10-23T18:20:00.000+08:00

... I miss u badly ...

Wo-man (a man with a womb)

2007-10-07T09:11:00.000+08:00

A close friend once told me of a male friend who told her that he just could not understand why does women always misinterprets a man's act of kindness to an art of wooing?

They discussed that women watch too many dramas, and they tend to dramatised everything in life.

Their conclusion:
"Woman are very dramatic."

Is it true?

Partly...YES...
Mostly....NO!

The nature of life is:

A woman receives the sperm of a man, then she conceives it, and 9 months later, she delivers a baby! a life in a much BIGGER and TANGIBLE form

Woman is a conceiver.
She conceives.

A woman will always conceive anything that a man/ or whoever gives to her, give it life, make it bigger, and always returns it in the form that is much greater than what it was.

Hence, when a man for instance, offers to pour out drinks for a woman, offers to carry her bag, offers to drive her home in his new car, invites her to his house to play with his dog, a woman will conceive that acts... give it life... and interprets it as an act of love.

the same goes for words...

every seed that a man 'tabur'... a woman will conceive them and return it in a much bigger form.

that is why, God created man to 'merayu'.

di saat seorang pria merayu wanita nya, si wanita akan mengandung kata kata si pria, dan mereproduksi nya menjadi suatu harapan. suatu harapan yang menjanjikan hidup sehidup dan semati.

Grateful

2007-10-04T20:25:00.000+08:00

Tuhanku Raja
Tuhanku Allah
Allah yang Perkasa
Allah yang Dahsyat
Allah yang Hebat

Berjalanlah di depanku
Berperang bagiku
Seribu rebah di kiriku
Berlaksa rebah di kananku

Karena Kau Allah tidak pernah gagal
Karena Kau Allah yang menyayangiku
Karena Kau Allah yang peduli atas kehidupanku
Karena Kau Allah yang berpihak padaku

Kau yang terbaik
Kau yang terindah
Kau yang termulia
Kau yang terdekat

Ku bersyukur s'bab Kau ada di dalamku :)

You were always on my mind

2007-09-26T22:14:00.001+08:00

Dedicated For You

GET UP & WORK!!

2007-09-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

Guilts

Regrets

Broken hopes

Disappointments

Will i be able to make it? Will I be a Better person? Will I live life to the fullest? Will I do excel in life?

I cannot change yesterday...

BUT

I can choose to make today a GREAT day!

Swanie, dah cukup manjain diri nya. Ini waktu nya bangun dan bekerja. Till the ground and God will send the rain. :)

He Makes me complete

2007-09-18T08:08:00.000+08:00

Thank You, McStubby. I Love you...

xoxoxo

Waiting...

2007-09-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

Nobody likes to wait. No one likes to be put on hold. and neither do i.

I hate lingering, not knowing when I am going to get what i want.

However, there are many things in life that involves waiting. Waiting for a test result to be out, waiting for your soulmate to come to your life, waiting for a promotion, waiting for a breakthrough, waiting for him/her to say 'I LOVE YOU'....etc...

Since I moved here, there is only 1 bus number that goes to my house. this bus only comes every 30 minutes from the city. Although the bus is not always on-time, I always know that, the bus WILL come. and... I just have to wait.
Seeing other people getting on their buses, I pouted and wish that that was my bus. But when my bus finally came, the wait is all worthwhile.

Waiting for something to happen in life is like waiting for your bus to get you to your destination.

It may not be comfortable, it is not so fun, however, you know that what you are waiting for will surely come. You just have to wait.

The Bonus Trip From Heaven

2007-09-08T21:45:00.000+08:00

Just when i thought that i have been doing it all wrong and everything is not right, there He was. He was standing so near to me. He leaned towards me and embraced me.

He told me He knows me.
He understands me.
He loves me.
He assured me that He never make a mistake in bringing me here.
I am here to meet Him face to face.
To encounter Him once again, to know that...
He is always near. :)

Thank you, Prince of Peace!

i want to be the princess of your heart ^^

2007-08-17T04:55:00.000+08:00

i woke up in the middle of the night... near to dawn...

Missing my McStubby lots lots lots lots lots.... :'(

browsing the net and found the lyrics to my new favourite song. It totally bring me to tears...

For those of you who understand chinese, hope you could enjoy it as much as i do. the song itself in already on my media "zuo ni de gong zhu".

Enjoy!

Chloe

2007-08-15T14:10:00.000+08:00

look at how much she has grown... I can vividly remember the first time i saw her. she was that small bundle of joy to all of us. seriously, i have to admit that it was love at the first sight. Never in my life i saw such a cute baby! she is cutest of them all. :).

I recall the first time i hold her in my arms and she made my day by that peaceful countenance. the first time i feed her and she happily drink from it, and those times when i sang and she stopped crying and closed her eyes to sleep. sometimes she would just smile on her face...a little laughter was always amusing.

I knew that she will be great. i knew that she has great destiny.

Chloe, you will grow up and do your parents proud.

I miss you dearly!

LD? possible?

2007-08-14T20:48:00.000+08:00

I was taught that it is almost impossible to have a long - distance relationship. i was a strong believer of that teaching. I am too guilty of giving advices to friends about the above mentioned topic.

"You would not know the 'true' him/her...."
"You will have too many differences..."
"It is too hard to have a relationship like that..."

That was the very reason that i hesitated the idea of being together with my Bf, despite the constant attention and love that he never failed to bestow on me.

However, i now believe that long distance relationship is very much POSSIBLE!
I would like to share these reasons:

Firstly, with the advances in technology, its now easier to keep in touch with your loved one. the internet for example, its a cheaper, convinient way to communicate with each other.

Secondly, with globalisation, travelling is very much uncomplicated at this present age. its possible to see your bf/gf in matter of hours. Not months, nor days anymore.

and

Most importantly, relationship is based on TRUST. you learn to believe in each other when you are a part. what is relationship if you continously being suspicious of each other. At the end of the day, you will learn to appreciate each other more when you are together. :)

I am not saying that I suggest everyone to do the same...
I still do envy those couple who can spend everyday with each other... i still do hug my pillow pretending its my boyfriend to sleep...etc....

Well... It is certainly NOT the best way..
BUT... it is possible.

What do you think?

Ada apa dengan CINTA? LOVE?

2007-08-02T23:42:00.003+08:00

Being a girl, i am always very curious of what 'LOVE' is.
I am very keen to know what does it feel to be ''in - LOVE".

particularly,

I always have difficulty relating to the definition of love according to what is written in the bible.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

It is clearly not the same as my defnition of 'LOVE'
not even likened to what 'LOVE' is - as i have seen in movies
nor as what i have read in novels or magazine

until

I met someone...
and decided to build a relationship with him.

honestly, then, when he said, "I LOVE YOU", i did not know what that means.

"Is love a feeling? what kind of feeling? is it a feeling like you care for someone?
someone once told me that CARE is not LOVE. So what is LOVE?"

----------those thoughts went on in my mind

But ...

Now, I know what love is;
Love is exactly like what the bible says it is.
as complex as it is, love is more than just a feeling. more than just chemistry, more than just caring for someone.

Now,
I know that learning what love is - is not an easy process.

Now,
I know that love - takes time, effort, sacrifice, and commitment.

Now,
I know that love - "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

A tribute to my family

2007-07-24T20:25:00.000+08:00

Like everyone else i grew up in a 'not-so-perfect' family.
i grew up to be someone who is very closed-up, insecure, and timid.
But i thank God that He never let me stay the same. He opened my mind and bring me to His family. i met people and build meaningful relationships. i was changed. i learnt to open up, i learn to put my identity in Christ. but all along, little did i know that deep down, i have not forgave my family yet. and i am still angry at God for putting me in that family.
Recently, something happened that coz me to aske God the question again, "Lord, why did you put me in this family?" He kept quiet...until before i left again for Sydney, i found the notebook where i used to write down all the sermons shared and also the things that God has put in my heart.
then, i read my own writing, it says, "Yes, my family would be attack by the devil, Yes, my family would not be perfect. BUT God knows that Swanie would do a Good Job!"

Thank You, Lord for putting me in my family. Thank You for believing in me.

Papi, Mami, makasih dah besarin Swanie. Makasih buat semua air mata, keringat, bahkan darah yang kalian curahkan buat anih. Maapin anih kalo anih sering lupa, kadang ga sopan ama kalian. tapi swanie tau, kalian saayaang swanie, kalian mau swanie bahagia. swan bersyukur buat orang tua seperti mami dan papi. I LOVE you both. i am gonna make you proud.

Ishak, makasih buat jadi pillar buat cicimu ini. you are always there whenever i needed you. Kadang aku suka mikir, kamu lebih dewasa...lebih wise...lebih eloquent. i Thank God for you. i Love you and miss you.

Thank you, Singapore...

2007-07-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

Coming back to Singapore after having been away for only merely 3 months brought back so many memories. Though i was not born here, i spent most of my growing up period in this land.
i realise how much i missed singapore.

This place was where i found my God, my most dearest friends, my dreams and my meaning in life. but Singapore was also the place that i found my deepest valley of death, my failures and my 'most' lowest moments of my life.

So yesterday, sitting at a kopitiam near my old HDB block reminds me of all the struggles and the happy moments that i went through. the good times, the bad times. the loveable me and the resentful me. the 'fat and ugly' me and the 'fit and beautiful' me. the gulible me and the matured me. and so on... So much had happened to me in this place.

i must say i owe Singapore ALOT. :)

Singapore, i thank God for giving me the wonderful 9 years back with you. you are and will always be in my heart. You are a place that i call HOME. :)